Dear Goodbye
by Fullelven
Summary: This is a songfic about how life went for Revan and Carth as she left for the Outer Rim and as she returned. Dear Goodbye is a song by JC Chasez.


**Title:** **Dear Goodbye**

**Author: CarthsLostPadwan**

**Rating: Teen**

**Genre: Songfic/Angst/Romance**

**Summary: A songfic about Carth and Revan when she decided to head for the Outer Rim.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the KotOR people or Star Wars things... the Almighty George Lucas does. The song, also, is not owned by me (cause I suck) and is by JC Chasez.**

_Staring out, depressed about_

_The words I had to plead_

_So torn apart_

_Shattered by impressions of _

_Confessions in defeat_

_My broken heart_

Revan lay her face against to cool, spotless glass of compartment A1 in Residential Sector 082, gazing numbly out across Citadel Station. Alright, she would have been completely numb had it not been for the burning void in her heart and the foreboding in the pit of her stomach. It churned with nerves, her fingers shook. Carth would be here anytime, she could feel him coming down the hallway.

Her very soul ached to the core, knowing again she'd be the reason for his distrust, his hatred... the fire that he burned with. She could never forget that night on the Leviathon when Malak had first told her of her true identity, the overwhelming sensation of being smothered by a huge falling wave and thus swallowing her into the ocean as her memories returned... nor could she forget the color draining from Carth's face, the feeling in the very air of his heart stopping, or the coldness of that mental and emotional wall returning to protect her white knight. When she finally got him to open up, trust her... to possibly even be the only one in the Galaxy to love her, she shattered his heart... and her's along with it.

_Crying, desperate, fighting_

_Questions scared to let go_

_We used to be so beautiful_

_But the days go by and_

_Things get better_

_I'm weary from the war_

_I'm losing half my soul_

_But the days go by and..._

The door to the compartment opened with a soft hiss and she could feel the giant swell in his heart fill the air with warmth that threatened to strangle her and drag her back down from the cool place that she had dug deep in her heart. It was almost like her memories coming back except now the confusion was replaced with regret and drive to claw her way through the window.

"Hey Gorgeous..." Carth smiled wrapping his long corded arms around her and snuggling her neck. The sensation burned her and she was forced to push away. For some reason, the only thought that kept repeating to her was _Your light's too bright Carth, it burns. I've got to stay in the darkness where it doesn't hurt so much. This is my world._

"I'm leaving." She threw out there suddenly, knowing if she thought about it anymore then she wouldn't have been able to say it at all. Immediately, the cold returned from before and she actually visably shivered. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, but the sorrow coming off him was like the final moments of Malachor V. She wanted to just shut off her connection to the Force and become numb again, to stop feeling all the pain in him that she always seemed to bring out.

"Revan... no, please." Carth pleaded, sounding so much like Dustil must have when he pleaded with Carth not to go off to war. The water started to fill up behind his brown-hazel dams, but unlike Revan, he let them spill forth. He stepped towards her and for every one he made, she made two more backwards.

"I'm leaving." She said again, trying to build more resolve this time as she said it. "I'm going to a place where I can't take anyone I love. Including you." She couldn't look at him, she felt too guilty. The feeling of his heart being ripped and shreaded was killing her soul. She kept her backing up, though it was unexpected when Carth finally rushed at her, gripping her wrists forcefully in front of her. The look in his eyes was crazed, stressed, confused. Gone was the warm, loving gaze he used to lay upon her on the Ebon Hawk when he thought she wasn't looking. No, this was the Carth she'd turned him into.

"I won't let you go." Carth cried, tightening his grip as she fought to get away. Tears finally fell like heavy drops of rain from her navy blue eyes, gracing her cheaks in silver streaks, but fear of him shown in the grey flecks in the midnight blue sea of her irises. She shook her head, looking at him with an expression the expelled hatred and fear.

"Carth... you're _hurting_ me." It was then that his eyes shown with instant regret as he let go and backed away as fast as he could, dropping down into a sitting position on the Queen sized bed and putting his head in his hands. Revan, however, examined the bruises from the brute force Carth had used and her hatred inverted, taking it into herself.

"Revan... I'm so-"

"Stop Carth. Don't... I deserve this after all the pain I've caused you. This lie I've lived since the Mandalorian Wars. I know the Jedi Council gave me new memories, but I was always Revan. When Malak told me, part of me had known all along and I could feel my knowledge of the past come flooding back." She approached him now, her walk light and graceful like Juhani's.

"Looking back... I've always had Revan inside me because even the greatest Jedi couldn't erase who you truely are because it's always been up to you to be who you truely are. It's in the Force that courses through your veins and there's not one that is powerful enough to change the flow. You fall to the dark because you choose to give in. But I know now that I never really truely fell, at least not how one would call falling." Carth looked up at her, tears still falling. He couldn't grasp just where she was coming from. What this had to do with her leaving...

"Carth... I want you to stay here and take care of the Republic. Under no circumstances are you to let it fall." Revan turned from him once more, holding herself as if to keep her composure in check. "Carth, I still feel those people I killed on Malachor V... I can still feel Malak, inside my head. And sometimes, his voice is more than a whisper. I can feel his icy touch on my skin, his deathly breath on my neck."

"But Revan... I could help you." He stood then, making a jesture as if he were going to touch her lovingly, but held back as he saw the apprehension in her stance. "Space. Now you're afraid of me. Just go, Revan. I swore to protect you and now you fear me. The least I can do is make that promise to you for the Republic and hope I don't make them fear me as well."

_Past the point of reasons_

_I just want you to beleive_

_That it's not your fault_

"I'm not afraid Carth... not of you. But there are things that I must do, and I have to do them alone. I know you love me and that's why I'm going. I can't love you fully until I can love myself. And where I'm going, anyone I loved would just get in the way... get hurt." The walls of the room seemed to cry themselves, the air dripping with sorrow and yearning for the touch of love.

Carth nodded and hugged her one last time. As he pulled away, he lay a kiss on her lips and put on his best happy face. "Then go get them Gorgeous."

She let a half smile grace her full lips as she looked down at her hand and slid off the silver engagement ring. "Take it... I wouldn't feel right taking it with me. I feel like I'm abandoning you enough." Carth put up a gentle hand in protest before taking off the necklace around his neck that held his military dog tags and handed them to her.

"No. I gave you my heart and you're taking that with you. I wouldn't expect you to leave that behind as well." Revan nodded and put it back around her neck, sighing and heading for the door. This was really going to be it. As she readied to step out the door, Carth's voice rang after her. "I love you Beautiful."

_Cry your eyes to sleep_

_It's like a thousand rainy nights_

_Oh, drowning lows_

_Photographs, the close up, what we had_

_Come undone_

_Where did it all go wrong?_

_The days go by and_

_Things get better_

The cargo ship was shivering cold and empty as Revan held the pillow over her head. Her mind was a mess, hearing Carth's voice over and over... seeing the crazed look in his eyes. She had broken him, hurt him more than losing Morgana had... She'd usurped her former title as Dark Lord and completely destroyed him. Maybe Darth Revan couldn't change.

"Statement - We are nearing the moon of Dxun. Query - Master, why do we need to visit this most distainful place?" HK-47's voice broke the silence of the room and the hold her memories had on her. She looked up at him, and sighed.

"There's an old friend of ours here that I need to talk to before I reach my final destination." Revan wiped a stray tear from her cheek and prepared to cover her head up once more.

"Observation - For being a sloshing meatbag - not to offend you Master - but you're leaking that internal water that keeps your organs afloat. Relevation - If you keep leaking like that Master, you're going to dry up and shrivel away." The remark brought a smile to Revan who didn't uncover her head but listened as the clank of his metal feet stalked away.

_Beep... woo-deep. Bu-beeep. _Revan heard T3-M4 correct when HK had made it to the Cockpit.

"Condesending remark - What would an inferior can like you know about meatbags? I was built by the Master and I am fairly sure I know the extent to her humanity thank you very much." Revan laughed, though somberly, and layed back down.

Carth's heart was filled with emotion that spilled over and drenched the poor feather pillow that lay benieth his head. A photograph of Revan set before him, tearing his soul to pieces with every saline-filled glance. How could she do this to him? To Dustil? Dustil needed her guidance as a Jedi Padawan and Carth needed her. He needed her to fill that void that was left in his heart from Morgana's death with something new and exciting. Now he was just cold and alone.

_Will every night be like this? Cold and alone, crying myself to sleep as I tear myself up purposely remembering everything I can about everything we had?_ Carth asked himself finally turning his back to the picture. There was a pause, as if the room was waiting for his answer, before he sighed and turned over once more. The side table light flickered to life, illuminating the small portion of his now lonely bedroom with a dull yellow light. Grabbing the picture, he let his index finger trail her face. _Yes it will. This pain is all I have to hold on to that you left me with. This pain and my promise to keep the Republic strong. At least for you._

Still, a part of him believed that it was him that had chased her off. Sure, she said that she was still battling some inner demons, but he could have helped her with that... And would they have still bothered her had he not accepted the promotion to Admiral and thus had more time to spend with her? These were all questions Carth had to ask.

_But these days will go by and things will get better. _

_You hardened like a stone_

_Just to face the world alone_

_But the days go by and_

_Things get better_

_Exhausted of appologies_

_In search of something comforting_

_But the days go by and_

_Things get better_

_Brought out the best and worse in me_

_You gave your all unselfishly_

_But the days go by and..._

It felt odd to be on the Station again and somehow the place seemed just a little more happier than she last remembered it. The corridors seemed brighter and the Cantina just bursted with a festive aura unlike the sleazy repugnant energy she remembered so brightly before. It was as if there was a celebration in her honor. To celebrate the return of the reformed Jedi Revan.

She could feel it in her face, in her fingers, her toes. She felt reborn. She imenated the Force itself and everyone who passed instantly got in a better mood. It had been a long time coming home, having lost her ship just a little after arriving on the Outer Rim. Canderous, too, was gone but the Mandalorians back on Dxun gave her a lift and promised to let thier Mandalore know upon his return.

Revan's entire world, however, collasped instantaneously as if she'd just walked through an invisible wall of dispair. Looking around, she found a ruined shell of a man slouching out of the Cantina not drunk, but not in any better mood for having been there. Reaching out with her mind, she found him cold, hardened by heartache and bloodshed. His name was...

"CARTH!" Revan called the name that she had been yelling out to in her sleep for these past seven years. The man froze for a moment and she could feel his mind racing, trying to make connections, but then it shut off.

"It's Admiral Onasi. And I don't do autographs so you can take yourself on home. You're wasting your time." He's voice was empty and resentful. He continued walking without having looked back, leaving Revan taken aback by his attitude.

"I did this to you... made you hard, empty. I thought I was home, but it's clear you didn't want to be seen with the likes of me. I'm sorry, flyboy." Revan turned on her heel and began to leave, having closed the conversation with the very nickname she'd given him after she'd waken up on Taris. Her eyes began to water as she briskly made a turn for the corner, but not before she was stopped by a soft pained whisper.

"You took my jacket."

Revan turned to see Carth before her, him seeming somewhat less prideful and shrunken in his current broken state. He'd lost his spirit sometime down the road, but it hadn't been that long ago. She could tell by the way he seemed to warm up, glow a little, at recognizing her. Sheepishly, Revan raised her hands waist height to look at the worn orange leather jacket that covered her hands to the very tips of her fingers and then nodded to Carth. "I didn't want to be alone."

It was then that he grabbed her, hugged her, holding him to her as if he let go then she would vanish again. His light was returning, except this time it didn't burn Revan. No, this time it lit her up and warmed her too. This had been a long time coming, but finally she had what she had been looking for all along. Carth. He was the final piece to the equation that needed to be solved before she could find peace. But it had been the pain of killing her former lover, Malak, that had clouded her and kept her from seeing it.

"I'm sorry. Space am I sorry Carth. I'm sorry for leaving, for making you so cold. I'm sorry for making you take on sole responsibility to keep the Republic afloat instead of staying here and helping you battle." Revan cried into his chest, feeling as if she couldn't get close enough to him. If he were crushing her, he still couldn't have been holding her tight enough.

"Revan... Gorgeous, you didn't leave me... you didn't make me cold. More things have happened around here than just your leaving. Sure, that was a thing that never left my mind once, but then Dustil..." Carth's voice trailed off painfully as he let her go, his arms slowly falling to his sides. He made his way over to a bench and sat down, not really paying much attention to if Revan followed him or not. "Revan, I lost Dustil about two years ago. He was found in a cave, on Korriban, having gone there with some of his Jedi friends from the academy in hopes of finding the new Sith threat. The Exile said she found him in a crazed rage, swearing she was nothing more than a vision. He said he'd seen me and he'd been forced to kill me ten times since he'd gotten there. He attacked her and she had no choice but to put him down."

"The Exile?" Revan stopped for a moment, unable to chase the subject of losing Dustil at the moment. This was too much to handle at once. Carth nodded before replying.

"Yes, that was what the ones with her called her. Ordo came with her. She introduced herself as Rhapsody Starkwether. I had been forced to find her, and she was a hard one to track. But she had the Ebon Hawk so I thought I could find you. But all I found was a broken Jedi who served under you in the Mandalorian Wars and news of my dead son who'd been missing for a little over a year."

"It's my fault. I should have stayed. It's my fault. I never finished his training and -" Carth stopped her with a kiss on her hand as she stood before him.

"It was bound to happen. He grew reckless since you left and I could tell something different about him since we first picked him up from the Sith Academy. He went back, truthfully, for that girlfriend of his. Revan, you have nothing to be sorry about. What's in the past is over, Beautiful. This is a dawning of a new day." Carth tried. The moment was bittersweet. He had his Revan back, but with that he wrought upon her a horrible mount of remorse that had taken up residence on her shoulders and made her more miserable than she was before she left the first time.

"But I should be Carth. I've brought out the best and the worst in you while you followed me blindly and gave me your all. You gave me your heart and each time I only gave you pain. You promise to devote your all to protect me and then we find out that I'm Revan. The very person you blamed for destroying your planet, killing your wife, and losing your son. I gain back your trust and then I run off again just so I can try to figure some things about myself out. Damn it Carth. I was supposed to stay here, but I left you to tend to the Republic alone."

Carth pulled her to him for a moment, holding her close. Reaching for her chin to turn her face to his, he found the engagement ring he had given her and his dogtags still sitting pretty around her neck like the day she left. "You kept them." She nodded.

"With these, everyday became a little bit easier. Things went a little bit better."

_Oh, I could never replace_

_All the tenderest moments_

_They will always live right here_

_Inside me_

_My love will forever hold a place for you_

_That's why I'm so confused_

Moments passed as they made their way back to the same old Residential Module, the same old room. It hadn't changed since the day she left. Save for the unmaid bed and her picture lying in the middle of it, there was not a thing of hers that had moved an inch. Oddly, this surprized her. "Honestly, Carth... having been gone that long I thought you would have found someone else. At least to ease the pain for a little while."

Carth scratched his scruffy goatee and sighed. "There were times that I thought I wouldn't make it without your warmth keeping me company at night. I had to work more to keep my mind off things, then the big battle back here in which that Jedi friend of yours and Ordo saved us all kept me a little distracted too. But every night as I lay my head down to sleep I tortured myself with every longing emotion I had to keep that wound fresh and so that I would never forget. You may have left, but I had you with me, in my heart."

Revan teared up again and inwardly remarked how much more emotional she'd become since her return. "I never stopped loving you Carth. Through every battle, every wound. It didn't matter how close to death I came because everytime I thought of your face I clawed myself back to the surface and beat some ass again." She turned from him for a moment. "It's been you that has always driven me to fight another day, so when the Jedi Civil War ended and I had nothing more to fight... to prove... I had this longing for battle still and it ate at me every day. I couldn't get it to stop and when it got to the point that I was wanting to go to the surface and start playing practice with Czerka representatives, I decided I needed to leave before I hurt someone... Don't you see, Carth. You are all that makes me happy, but it's you that drives that fire in me and makes my thirst insatiable. It makes me feel confused... in adiquate."

_Girl we used to be so beautiful_

_But the days go by and_

_Things get better_

_I'm losing half my soul_

_Just to face the world alone_

_But the days go by and_

_Things get better_

_We'll pass some crossing roads_

_Surviving on our own_

_But the days go by and..._

Carth scratched his head, unable to respond to her last comment. It confused him too. "I remember carrying you from the escape pod in the Undercity of Taris. There was so much pain, the fire and the blood. I almost froze and lost my nerve. I got flashbacks of Telos and I thought there would be no way for me to go through this again. And then I looked at you, unconcious and bleeding, and I thought that I'd already lost Morgana, I couldn't just sit by and let you die too.

"You were so light in my arms, completely limp. I got that appartment and for the entire time you were out I didn't eat, I hardly slept. When I said I went out and surveyed the city, I didn't. I left for medical supplies and that was about it. But I swore to myself and I swear to you now, I promised myself that if you woke up I wouldn't allow anything to happen to you. There was just something about you, alluring even, though I'd just met you. But you had me from the beginning, though untrusting as I was." There was a warm reminesent look in Carth's now glowing hazel-browns and Revan herself had a warm look in her navy blue orbs. She'd never known that.

"But Carth... the war's not over yet. Not for us." Revan sat down on the bed and sighed, having come to a bit of a revelation on her own as he spoke. "We're star-crossed lovers. A match that probably had never been meant to be, but due to the meddling of the Jedi Council, made it possible. Carth, when I'm around you I get an urge to battle, to fight and prove to you all that I am worth. And it seems to me, and by the way you worked before I left, that you always feel like you need to prove yourself to me. Carth, we can't be together because we're constantly bringing out the best and the worse in each other simotaneously. We feel like we constantly need to do better for the other and therefore make ourselves miserable trying to get by on a daily basis. We rarely see one another and work ourselves to the bone."

Carth took this time to sit next to her, his heart starting to fall, knowing where she was going. However, what was worse was the fact that he knew she was right. "Revan, I'm losing myself a little more everyday without you. Just trying to get by day to day I change just a little more about myself so that I can just survive. The days went by and things got a little better. But nothing has felt as good as you being here again. Revan, we both know we don't have to fight."

She stood and took off his coat, then removed the dogtags and set them next to it. Shaking her head, she positioned herself tall, like a true Jedi Master presented themselves. Or, at least Bastila. "It's not goodbye forever. Just to our love. I'll constantly feel strongly for you and I'll never stop loving you, but we cannot be together. In our constant courtship, we're missing what this Republic is needing and letting it down. You and I both swore an oath; you to the Republic itself and I to the Jedi Council. This fight is long from over, but in this we'll pass again. Our paths are alone, but we'll never be alone." She made her way to the door in silence, unable to think of what more to say. Carth too sat in a defeated quiet as the love of his life walked away. Just as she shut the door, her voice sounded in her head.

_I know it's hard now flyboy, but you're a tough man. The days will go by and you'll see. Things will get much better with time._

**A/N: Yeah, I found this song and decided to take a little break from the Virtual Series again. I just found inspiration somewhere else. This is the song I put on my fiancee's CD when I was going through some personal problems and we went on a break. Thus, this reminded me of Carth and Revan as she went away to fix herself for him. Like her, I had a relevation, but just a little bit different. She found out Carth was the reason for her discomfort and that she was the reason for his. I found out my fiancee was the reason for me living and he was what made me who I am.**


End file.
